I just got back from four days of craziness. It doesn't get any better than that. I made two AMAZING new friends and met a dozen other awesome peeps, rocked Halloween with them and 30STM, CB7, and New Politics.
More to come later. Tons to do while the sun's still up! Have a good afternoon Lovelies!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Issues in the tissues
Y'all. Yoga lady was not joking. And I'm having a panic attack/freak out/mini-breakdown that Scarlet O'Hara would be proud of.
It's all this damn meditation. Really. I get a good session in and I'm being shamed in my sleep by a friend I haven't seen since she moved two time zones away. I'm dreaming of an old boyfriend I haven't spoken to in months; four months to be exact. And today I'm a basket case about it. Like nut job freak out.
It must be working. You know, clearing out all the gunk that I've held in or removed from mind. The thing is, it doesn't go away without a fight. And the Ego, this tricky mind my brain has created, is not playing fair. The guilt for certain things is overwhelming. And these are things I have never dwelled on, much less considered at the time they happened.
Other things that were part of my life for an extended period of time are the worst. Unresolved issues are almost haunting these days. I know the goal is to observe them, observe the sensations the provoke, and then let them flow past. My Guru says the breath is key to what's going on the body. I have barely been able to breath all day. It's short and shallow and strained.
So now the unfair Ego is trying to convince me that I'm all alone. That I'm a horrible person for doing or saying these things. That I'm unworthy. How on earth can one 20 minute sit down stir so many emotions and insecurities I don't think I ever know. But I sure as hell understand. Guru keeps saying we don't have to know what the issue is when strong emotions come up. But I'm painfully aware.
I had no idea I have been carrying around all this compressed and hidden gunk. Maybe that's why I'm still 60 lbs overweight despite 8 months of personal training, or easily angered/hurt depending on the situation.
All I want right now is to tell him I am sorry for treating him unfairly. He deserves more from me, but for now that's all I can do.
Tomorrow, I will sit for 30 minutes. I want this dead space out of here. If I'm going to be a total wreck, then let me be a wreck all at once.
(and please excuse the grammar. it's just a mad rush of typing. i'm not going to edit this because I'll censor myself)
It's all this damn meditation. Really. I get a good session in and I'm being shamed in my sleep by a friend I haven't seen since she moved two time zones away. I'm dreaming of an old boyfriend I haven't spoken to in months; four months to be exact. And today I'm a basket case about it. Like nut job freak out.
It must be working. You know, clearing out all the gunk that I've held in or removed from mind. The thing is, it doesn't go away without a fight. And the Ego, this tricky mind my brain has created, is not playing fair. The guilt for certain things is overwhelming. And these are things I have never dwelled on, much less considered at the time they happened.
Other things that were part of my life for an extended period of time are the worst. Unresolved issues are almost haunting these days. I know the goal is to observe them, observe the sensations the provoke, and then let them flow past. My Guru says the breath is key to what's going on the body. I have barely been able to breath all day. It's short and shallow and strained.
So now the unfair Ego is trying to convince me that I'm all alone. That I'm a horrible person for doing or saying these things. That I'm unworthy. How on earth can one 20 minute sit down stir so many emotions and insecurities I don't think I ever know. But I sure as hell understand. Guru keeps saying we don't have to know what the issue is when strong emotions come up. But I'm painfully aware.
I had no idea I have been carrying around all this compressed and hidden gunk. Maybe that's why I'm still 60 lbs overweight despite 8 months of personal training, or easily angered/hurt depending on the situation.
All I want right now is to tell him I am sorry for treating him unfairly. He deserves more from me, but for now that's all I can do.
Tomorrow, I will sit for 30 minutes. I want this dead space out of here. If I'm going to be a total wreck, then let me be a wreck all at once.
(and please excuse the grammar. it's just a mad rush of typing. i'm not going to edit this because I'll censor myself)
Monday, September 20, 2010
Don't follow this yogi
or Music Monday
I'm so Frustrated. This is supposed to be a journey about balance. And I feel even more out of whack than I did before.
And I'm starving. We all know how productive a starving body is. It's not that I'm craving the things I've decided to step away from for 12 weeks. It's just I've run out food options. And it's not like I live in a place conducive to this lifestyle. If I have to eat another bite of yogurt, I will throw up. So I bought avocados and sweet potatoes to spice things up. I wish I was brave enough to try/had a clue what to do with tofu. My body needs the protein it was used to getting in small increments 6 times a day. Now?? Notsomuch.
Also, this one-hour-fourty-five minute drive each way is really getting old. I've becomes an iTunes addict. I think I've gotten four new albums in as many weeks. But I keep blaring 30 Seconds to Mars album THIS IS WAR on repeat. (find it here) (also, watch the brilliance ofJared Leto, Bartholomew Cubbins here) So it's a bit of a waste. Although I am now in super love with Mumford & Sons newest album "Sigh No More." And on that note, I leave you with my favorite track at the moment. Enjoy (you might need to give it a second to load)
I'm so Frustrated. This is supposed to be a journey about balance. And I feel even more out of whack than I did before.
And I'm starving. We all know how productive a starving body is. It's not that I'm craving the things I've decided to step away from for 12 weeks. It's just I've run out food options. And it's not like I live in a place conducive to this lifestyle. If I have to eat another bite of yogurt, I will throw up. So I bought avocados and sweet potatoes to spice things up. I wish I was brave enough to try/had a clue what to do with tofu. My body needs the protein it was used to getting in small increments 6 times a day. Now?? Notsomuch.
Also, this one-hour-fourty-five minute drive each way is really getting old. I've becomes an iTunes addict. I think I've gotten four new albums in as many weeks. But I keep blaring 30 Seconds to Mars album THIS IS WAR on repeat. (find it here) (also, watch the brilliance of
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Follow the Yogi
If I've ever felt I had something to blog (besides my journey to Boulder) this is it.
My journey to a place of peace within is going to be more difficult than I ever imagined. I am two weeks into a 12-week yoga intensive. This is hard work, y'all. It's an hour and forty five minutes from home, two to three days a week. When I'm done, I will have put in over 200 hours of training.
It requires focus, dedication to myself and the practice, meditation, and abstinence from meat. That's right, I'm not allowed to eat "anything with a face." Well, when she puts it that way. . . . . And the teacher? She's a spunky little thing. Maybe 5'5" rocking a maroon pixie hairstyle with a little blonde in the bangs. She's survived breast cancer and is the coolest Yogini I've ever met. My favorite blurb so far is: "Oh honey, the issue's in the tissue." And it was a response to my struggle with meditation.
First off, I haven't spent twenty minutes to myself in over three years. So sitting quietly, by myself, focusing deeply on my breath is quite a challenge. As in, I break out in hot flashes and get thoroughly beside myself after about 10 minutes. There is some serious will to not open my eyes and scream. But I just breathe through it. . . theoretically.
And the removal of meat from diet is not helping the irritation at all. If not for the fact that my body is starving for protein, I'm doing pretty well. The no coffee bit is way harder than the no meat factor. I had to cut the intake down by a half a cup each day for the first week. I cheat on the coffee more than I do the consumption of "face."
I'm surprising still flexible from all those years and hours of dance. I might still be 50+ lbs heavier than I'd prefer. . . but ya know. It's a process. I'm hoping the change in diet will help with that problem. Plus, ashtanga yoga is crazy. One hundred and twenty minutes in an 85* room holding all kinds of crazy postures for five breaths can't NOT trick the body into letting go. The fat gets in the way more often than not. I could actually wrap my knees around my ears if the Michelin man would go away from around my torso. There is a skinny girl trapped inside a fat suit just begging to be let out. I want her out there. I need her. She's awake now. And we're working together instead of against each other. It's a really hopeful feeling.
Lots of journaling, lots of reading, lots of study guides to answer, lots of practice, lots of meditation. There is no way I won't come out on the other side a different person.
Let the discovery and transformation begin.
My journey to a place of peace within is going to be more difficult than I ever imagined. I am two weeks into a 12-week yoga intensive. This is hard work, y'all. It's an hour and forty five minutes from home, two to three days a week. When I'm done, I will have put in over 200 hours of training.
It requires focus, dedication to myself and the practice, meditation, and abstinence from meat. That's right, I'm not allowed to eat "anything with a face." Well, when she puts it that way. . . . . And the teacher? She's a spunky little thing. Maybe 5'5" rocking a maroon pixie hairstyle with a little blonde in the bangs. She's survived breast cancer and is the coolest Yogini I've ever met. My favorite blurb so far is: "Oh honey, the issue's in the tissue." And it was a response to my struggle with meditation.
First off, I haven't spent twenty minutes to myself in over three years. So sitting quietly, by myself, focusing deeply on my breath is quite a challenge. As in, I break out in hot flashes and get thoroughly beside myself after about 10 minutes. There is some serious will to not open my eyes and scream. But I just breathe through it. . . theoretically.
And the removal of meat from diet is not helping the irritation at all. If not for the fact that my body is starving for protein, I'm doing pretty well. The no coffee bit is way harder than the no meat factor. I had to cut the intake down by a half a cup each day for the first week. I cheat on the coffee more than I do the consumption of "face."
I'm surprising still flexible from all those years and hours of dance. I might still be 50+ lbs heavier than I'd prefer. . . but ya know. It's a process. I'm hoping the change in diet will help with that problem. Plus, ashtanga yoga is crazy. One hundred and twenty minutes in an 85* room holding all kinds of crazy postures for five breaths can't NOT trick the body into letting go. The fat gets in the way more often than not. I could actually wrap my knees around my ears if the Michelin man would go away from around my torso. There is a skinny girl trapped inside a fat suit just begging to be let out. I want her out there. I need her. She's awake now. And we're working together instead of against each other. It's a really hopeful feeling.
Lots of journaling, lots of reading, lots of study guides to answer, lots of practice, lots of meditation. There is no way I won't come out on the other side a different person.
Let the discovery and transformation begin.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
I have commitment issues
To Everything.
To blogging. yoga. house-hunting. job-hunting. school-hunting. washing my hair regularly. . . You get the point.
So here we are at that crossroads. You know, the one where the wrong choice is really easy but really bad for your health and well-being while the right choice is really difficult and a genuine pain in the ass? Yep, that one. I can see the end result of two of three choices: First, nothing changes. I stay right where I am. Second, I end up burning up in my house at a ripe young age à la "Gilbert Grape." As you can see, neither of those are actual choices. The last option is the toughest; the most challenging and the most rewarding. I can't see where that path leads, much less ends. But I can feel myself being pulled in that direction. And the unknown, like being afraid of the dark at 26, is really scary. A friend just made a really tough decision, and I've always admired her strength and loyalty to herself. So if she can do the difficult, the unpleasant yet ultimately-rewarding-in-the-end, then so can I. I'm reminded often that my pity party is really just pitiful. I'm surrounded by friends that have real trials, real obstacles, and they aren't moping around feeling sorry for themselves. So why on Earth should I??
Training was going really well until I got back from Denver. Something happened after that and I haven't wanted to leave the house. Denver/Boulder felt like home as soon as the mountains came into view. It was really hard to leave. Really difficult to come back here. (Don't get me wrong, I'm here by choice.) Now I'm lucky to break even when weigh-in time come around in two weeks. Another choice to make. My internal go-getter has worn herself out with self-motivation. She's exhausted. She's almost given up. Trainer is really at his capacity with me. I don't blame him. I need to do this for me. Not for him. Or for the boys I'll see at camp in October. Or for the classmates I'll meet in December. But for me. But right now I don't feel worth it. And THAT has to change.
So I'll leave me with this bit of insight: Get off the couch, put on your big girl panties, and do what you know you need to do to make yourself a better person. Forget the rest of the equation, it will fall into place. Fix what is right in front of you, one broken piece at a time. And quit feeling sorry for yourself. You have no reason to pitiful.
To blogging. yoga. house-hunting. job-hunting. school-hunting. washing my hair regularly. . . You get the point.
So here we are at that crossroads. You know, the one where the wrong choice is really easy but really bad for your health and well-being while the right choice is really difficult and a genuine pain in the ass? Yep, that one. I can see the end result of two of three choices: First, nothing changes. I stay right where I am. Second, I end up burning up in my house at a ripe young age à la "Gilbert Grape." As you can see, neither of those are actual choices. The last option is the toughest; the most challenging and the most rewarding. I can't see where that path leads, much less ends. But I can feel myself being pulled in that direction. And the unknown, like being afraid of the dark at 26, is really scary. A friend just made a really tough decision, and I've always admired her strength and loyalty to herself. So if she can do the difficult, the unpleasant yet ultimately-rewarding-in-the-end, then so can I. I'm reminded often that my pity party is really just pitiful. I'm surrounded by friends that have real trials, real obstacles, and they aren't moping around feeling sorry for themselves. So why on Earth should I??
Training was going really well until I got back from Denver. Something happened after that and I haven't wanted to leave the house. Denver/Boulder felt like home as soon as the mountains came into view. It was really hard to leave. Really difficult to come back here. (Don't get me wrong, I'm here by choice.) Now I'm lucky to break even when weigh-in time come around in two weeks. Another choice to make. My internal go-getter has worn herself out with self-motivation. She's exhausted. She's almost given up. Trainer is really at his capacity with me. I don't blame him. I need to do this for me. Not for him. Or for the boys I'll see at camp in October. Or for the classmates I'll meet in December. But for me. But right now I don't feel worth it. And THAT has to change.
So I'll leave me with this bit of insight: Get off the couch, put on your big girl panties, and do what you know you need to do to make yourself a better person. Forget the rest of the equation, it will fall into place. Fix what is right in front of you, one broken piece at a time. And quit feeling sorry for yourself. You have no reason to pitiful.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Weblog Wednesday
Or, How to Make a Commitment and Follow Through With It for a Change
No really. It seems like everything I have going on right now isn't any fun. I've stopped going to the gym. I've stopped responding to emails. I've stopped doing just about anything. And you want to know why?? I'll tell you. It's because I went to Denver and now I'm just bummed out again. Hey, it's not like I did it on purpose!! I had THE best time in Denver with the South All Stars. (National Champions, btw. Not a bad way to start a career as a manager.) More to come on that topic later.
The trainer is p.i.s.s.e.d. off with me for lacking any sort of motivation. But he'll keep me on his list as long as I keep paying him. So the mission now is to expel all the negative energy and focus on bringing myself to a place that I can feel accomplished.
Step one is enrolling in school. (again) I really don't want to go back to Former University. But sometimes, as a big girl, you have to do the things you don't like. And make the best of it while you're there. So going back to school is exciting, going to back Former College Town is not so exciting. (I'd rather move to Boulder go to CU. But I don't think I can afford it.)
Here's a thought. I don't have a job or a place to live, which means I can't afford it anyway. So if I'm going to have to struggle to survive, I might as well be surviving in a place I'd rather be than a place I'm resigned to be? Yes! No?
So that's where I am. THE Crossroads. Lots of big decisions that need to be made. Lots of cleaning up the remnants of lazy decisions and easy-way-outs.
Here I am, the 26 year-old college Junior.
*EDIT*
Not only a I enrolled to start classes in the Winter, as of September 1st I will be an official student of Yoga. Maybe I can teach a few classes to help pay a bill or two.
No really. It seems like everything I have going on right now isn't any fun. I've stopped going to the gym. I've stopped responding to emails. I've stopped doing just about anything. And you want to know why?? I'll tell you. It's because I went to Denver and now I'm just bummed out again. Hey, it's not like I did it on purpose!! I had THE best time in Denver with the South All Stars. (National Champions, btw. Not a bad way to start a career as a manager.) More to come on that topic later.
The trainer is p.i.s.s.e.d. off with me for lacking any sort of motivation. But he'll keep me on his list as long as I keep paying him. So the mission now is to expel all the negative energy and focus on bringing myself to a place that I can feel accomplished.
Step one is enrolling in school. (again) I really don't want to go back to Former University. But sometimes, as a big girl, you have to do the things you don't like. And make the best of it while you're there. So going back to school is exciting, going to back Former College Town is not so exciting. (I'd rather move to Boulder go to CU. But I don't think I can afford it.)
Here's a thought. I don't have a job or a place to live, which means I can't afford it anyway. So if I'm going to have to struggle to survive, I might as well be surviving in a place I'd rather be than a place I'm resigned to be? Yes! No?
So that's where I am. THE Crossroads. Lots of big decisions that need to be made. Lots of cleaning up the remnants of lazy decisions and easy-way-outs.
Here I am, the 26 year-old college Junior.
*EDIT*
Not only a I enrolled to start classes in the Winter, as of September 1st I will be an official student of Yoga. Maybe I can teach a few classes to help pay a bill or two.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Oh Frisco,
It's been a crazy month. EdgeFest was awesome! Kelly and I survived a whole 8 hours in the pit. Of course we had a little help from our new friends.
And then there was this:
Oh yes, we were 10 feet away from the beautifully-talented, pomegranate-pink mohawked Jared Leto. If I had the money I'd follow my beloved Thirty Seconds to Mars around the country. Or better yet, maybe I should just find out how to work with them/for them?? Yeah, right.
Oh, and how can I forget Shannon.
He's a feisty thing, isn't he. I doubt he's the kind of guy you take home to mom. . . His kit was insane, though. And he rocked it all. I am absolutely ready for their return stateside in the Fall.
And let's just say the headliner blew us away. Welcome back, Fred Durst. I've missed you.
I'm already planning next year's trip.
Monday, April 26, 2010
The results are in!
So trainer-boy and I have a love/hate relationship. I hate the fact I love him so. He's amazing!! Today I finally was able to hop up a half-flight of stairs without stopping! THEN he made me do it one foot. Let's just say that one will need more practice. (and the devil) I've lost 15 inches, in all the right places, in 4 weeks. That's quite impressive seeing as I hadn't lost 15 inches the whole time I was with the other trainer. I keep telling him it's his beautiful blue eyes, and his friendly smile, and the fact he calls me "Sunshine" when I'm about to keel over or when he tells me "you have however-many-more left, anyone can do that many." In other words, This. Kid's. Got. Me. Pegged.
And I love it.
However, you know you still have a way to go when tanning is more calculating than relaxing. I can shave in the bath with a bit more ease, but I can NOT jump in the tanning bed and relax without fears of white lines from my fat wrinkles. It's a disturbing realization. And one I hope the salon attendant can't hear over the wind-tunnel going on in my super MegaSun 360.
30 Seconds to Mars this Saturday!!! Kelly and I are so ready for this much needed mini-vacation. I just hope sexy Jared Leto stops hacking up his lung in time. He sounded pit.e.ful. during a radio interview end of last week. The weather needs to fix its attitude quick. We have plans to bathe in the glow of sunshine and Leto brothers Saturday, not rain. KThanks.
It's a shame I remember all the things I've wanted to write about over when I sit down. Must do this more often. . . Until next time!
And I love it.
However, you know you still have a way to go when tanning is more calculating than relaxing. I can shave in the bath with a bit more ease, but I can NOT jump in the tanning bed and relax without fears of white lines from my fat wrinkles. It's a disturbing realization. And one I hope the salon attendant can't hear over the wind-tunnel going on in my super MegaSun 360.
30 Seconds to Mars this Saturday!!! Kelly and I are so ready for this much needed mini-vacation. I just hope sexy Jared Leto stops hacking up his lung in time. He sounded pit.e.ful. during a radio interview end of last week. The weather needs to fix its attitude quick. We have plans to bathe in the glow of sunshine and Leto brothers Saturday, not rain. KThanks.
It's a shame I remember all the things I've wanted to write about over when I sit down. Must do this more often. . . Until next time!
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Chris Martin said it best:
"and it was all yellow."
Spring has sprung with a vengeance down here. The roses are just about to bloom, the azaleas are already blooming, the vegetable garden is planted, and the herb garden is . . . herbing? and all is right in the world today.
I fired my previous trainer and hired a new one. This guy is ah-maze-ing. By amazing I mean, I fire him at the end of every session but show up the next day for more. (should that be hyphenated? oh well, the grammar police will just have to deal with it.) I haven't lost anything on the scale but I can see, feel, and measure a difference.
My darling friend that lost her husband has the grace only God could provide. Or she's on meds no one knows about. But her life seems to be going wonderful these days, all things considered. She and I are going on a road trip in 27 days.
30 Seconds to Mars. . . here comes trouble. And I. Am. Obsessed. Not like screaming-for-RPatz-obsessed, but I just can't get enough of the their music, their mind, their. . . Twitter! Bah, I told you I was obsessed. They'll be in Seattle/Portland May 10/11, respectively, and I'm finding it hard to justify NOT going. But for Dallas I have my Seraphim wristband and will be stocking up on glo-bracelets and and TRIAD paraphernalia. (convinced of my obsession yet?) And the sad part is that I'm only the at the tip of the MARS ARMY iceberg. . .
I hear there's a long way to go to becoming a true :30STM aficionado. Let the games begin.
Spring has sprung with a vengeance down here. The roses are just about to bloom, the azaleas are already blooming, the vegetable garden is planted, and the herb garden is . . . herbing? and all is right in the world today.
I fired my previous trainer and hired a new one. This guy is ah-maze-ing. By amazing I mean, I fire him at the end of every session but show up the next day for more. (should that be hyphenated? oh well, the grammar police will just have to deal with it.) I haven't lost anything on the scale but I can see, feel, and measure a difference.
My darling friend that lost her husband has the grace only God could provide. Or she's on meds no one knows about. But her life seems to be going wonderful these days, all things considered. She and I are going on a road trip in 27 days.
30 Seconds to Mars. . . here comes trouble. And I. Am. Obsessed. Not like screaming-for-RPatz-obsessed, but I just can't get enough of the their music, their mind, their. . . Twitter! Bah, I told you I was obsessed. They'll be in Seattle/Portland May 10/11, respectively, and I'm finding it hard to justify NOT going. But for Dallas I have my Seraphim wristband and will be stocking up on glo-bracelets and and TRIAD paraphernalia. (convinced of my obsession yet?) And the sad part is that I'm only the at the tip of the MARS ARMY iceberg. . .
I hear there's a long way to go to becoming a true :30STM aficionado. Let the games begin.
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