Make it a triple, please

Two nights ago I dreamed I was surrounded by pods of mean girls in a high school-like nightmare.

Last night I dreamed I didn't come home from my visit in Seattle. I just stayed and drank coffee and took the ferry.

Maybe they have nothing at all to do with the fact that today is my last day at SiJCP. Or that I move to nowhere-ville Arkansas in January.

But you don't believe that. And neither do I. So here is to adventure. And flannel-coated caffeine.

This time last year. . .

I was heading to Lafayette to begin my journey on the path of the yogi(ni). I'd like to think I've grown in more ways than just in my practice. It's been a good year and I am thankful for it.

Namaste

Must find ruby slippers

Because I am headed to Emerald City for holiday. "Oh baby I hear the blues a'callin'; tossed salads and scrambled eggs."

(Wait, does anyone know what that *actually* means?)

It might not be the Oregon Trail

But a great new adventure awaits.

back on the mat

This is the little poem on the first page of week 2. I love it just as much now as I did the first time I read it. (yes, this is the same course I went through in the fall. I am going back through it again.)

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. 

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. 

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. 

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? 

Actually, who are you not to be? 

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world. 

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking 

so that other people won't feel insecure around you. 

We are all meant to shine, as children do. 

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. 

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. 

And as we let our own light shine, 

we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. 

As we are liberated from our own fear, 

our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson ~ A Return to Love (1992)

Vegas anyone?

Yes. I am 12 hours away from getting on a jet plane headed to Vegas for New Year's Eve. Of course I'm spending it with 30 Seconds to Mars. This is the first New Year's Eve I will be spending away from home.  I love my family dearly. I can't believe I'm not going to be here. It will be a little odd, but I'll be back home for black-eyed peas and cabbage on the 1st.

Oh, and the yoga went well. Will update all when I return. Pray for a safe trip, a quick return, and a wonderful new year.

Love you all.

and then there was Mars

I just got back from four days of craziness. It doesn't get any better than that. I made two AMAZING new friends and met a dozen other awesome peeps, rocked Halloween with them and 30STM, CB7, and New Politics.

More to come later. Tons to do while the sun's still up! Have a good afternoon Lovelies!

Issues in the tissues

Y'all. Yoga lady was not joking. And I'm having a panic attack/freak out/mini-breakdown that Scarlet O'Hara would be proud of.

It's all this damn meditation. Really. I get a good session in and I'm being shamed in my sleep by a friend I haven't seen since she moved two time zones away. I'm dreaming of an old boyfriend I haven't spoken to in months; four months to be exact. And today I'm a basket case about it. Like nut job freak out.

It must be working. You know, clearing out all the gunk that I've held in or removed from mind. The thing is, it doesn't go away without a fight. And the Ego, this tricky mind my brain has created, is not playing fair. The guilt for certain things is overwhelming. And these are things I have never dwelled on, much less considered at the time they happened.

Other things that were part of my life for an extended period of time are the worst. Unresolved issues are almost haunting these days. I know the goal is to observe them, observe the sensations the provoke, and then let them flow past. My Guru says the breath is key to what's going on the body. I have barely been able to breath all day. It's short and shallow and strained.

So now the unfair Ego is trying to convince me that I'm all alone. That I'm a horrible person for doing or saying these things. That I'm unworthy. How on earth can one 20 minute sit down stir so many emotions and insecurities I don't think I ever know. But I sure as hell understand. Guru keeps saying we don't have to know what the issue is when strong emotions come up. But I'm painfully aware.

I had no idea I have been carrying around all this compressed and hidden gunk. Maybe that's why I'm still 60 lbs overweight despite 8 months of personal training, or easily angered/hurt depending on the situation.

All I want right now is to tell him I am sorry for treating him unfairly. He deserves more from me, but for now that's all I can do.

Tomorrow, I will sit for 30 minutes. I want this dead space out of here. If I'm going to be a total wreck, then let me be a wreck all at once.

(and please excuse the grammar. it's just a mad rush of typing. i'm not going to edit this because I'll censor myself)

Don't follow this yogi

or Music Monday

I'm so Frustrated. This is supposed to be a journey about balance. And I feel even more out of whack than I did before.
And I'm starving. We all know how productive a starving body is. It's not that I'm craving the things I've decided to step away from for 12 weeks. It's just I've run out food options. And it's not like I live in a place conducive to this lifestyle. If I have to eat another bite of yogurt, I will throw up. So I bought avocados and sweet potatoes to spice things up. I wish I was brave enough to try/had a clue what to do with tofu. My body needs the protein it was used to getting in small increments 6 times a day. Now?? Notsomuch.

Also, this one-hour-fourty-five minute drive each way is really getting old. I've becomes an iTunes addict. I think I've gotten four new albums in as many weeks. But I keep blaring 30 Seconds to Mars album THIS IS WAR on repeat. (find it here) (also, watch the brilliance of Jared Leto, Bartholomew Cubbins here) So it's a bit of a waste. Although I am now in super love with Mumford & Sons newest album "Sigh No More." And on that note, I leave you with my favorite track at the moment. Enjoy (you might need to give it a second to load)

Follow the Yogi

If I've ever felt I had something to blog (besides my journey to Boulder) this is it.

My journey to a place of peace within is going to be more difficult than I ever imagined. I am two weeks into a 12-week yoga intensive. This is hard work, y'all. It's an hour and forty five minutes from home, two to three days a week. When I'm done, I will have put in over 200 hours of training.

It requires focus, dedication to myself and the practice, meditation, and abstinence from meat. That's right, I'm not allowed to eat "anything with a face." Well, when she puts it that way. . . . . And the teacher? She's a spunky little thing. Maybe 5'5" rocking a maroon pixie hairstyle with a little blonde in the bangs. She's survived breast cancer and is the coolest Yogini I've ever met. My favorite blurb so far is: "Oh honey, the issue's in the tissue." And it was a response to my struggle with meditation.

First off, I haven't spent twenty minutes to myself in over three years. So sitting quietly, by myself, focusing deeply on my breath is quite a challenge. As in, I break out in hot flashes and get thoroughly beside myself after about 10 minutes. There is some serious will to not open my eyes and scream. But I just breathe through it. . . theoretically.

And the removal of meat from diet is not helping the irritation at all. If not for the fact that my body is starving for protein, I'm doing pretty well. The no coffee bit is way harder than the no meat factor. I had to cut the intake down by a half a cup each day for the first week. I cheat on the coffee more than I do the consumption of "face."

I'm surprising still flexible from all those years and hours of dance. I might still be 50+ lbs heavier than I'd prefer. . . but ya know. It's a process.  I'm hoping the change in diet will help with that problem. Plus, ashtanga yoga is crazy. One hundred and twenty minutes in an 85* room holding all kinds of crazy postures for five breaths can't NOT trick the body into letting go. The fat gets in the way more often than not. I could actually wrap my knees around my ears if the Michelin man would go away from around my torso. There is a skinny girl trapped inside a fat suit just begging to be let out. I want her out there. I need her. She's awake now. And we're working together instead of against each other. It's a really hopeful feeling.

Lots of journaling, lots of reading, lots of study guides to answer, lots of practice, lots of meditation. There is no way I won't come out on the other side a different person.

Let the discovery and transformation begin.