Y'all. Yoga lady was not joking. And I'm having a panic attack/freak out/mini-breakdown that Scarlet O'Hara would be proud of.
It's all this damn meditation. Really. I get a good session in and I'm being shamed in my sleep by a friend I haven't seen since she moved two time zones away. I'm dreaming of an old boyfriend I haven't spoken to in months; four months to be exact. And today I'm a basket case about it. Like nut job freak out.
It must be working. You know, clearing out all the gunk that I've held in or removed from mind. The thing is, it doesn't go away without a fight. And the Ego, this tricky mind my brain has created, is not playing fair. The guilt for certain things is overwhelming. And these are things I have never dwelled on, much less considered at the time they happened.
Other things that were part of my life for an extended period of time are the worst. Unresolved issues are almost haunting these days. I know the goal is to observe them, observe the sensations the provoke, and then let them flow past. My Guru says the breath is key to what's going on the body. I have barely been able to breath all day. It's short and shallow and strained.
So now the unfair Ego is trying to convince me that I'm all alone. That I'm a horrible person for doing or saying these things. That I'm unworthy. How on earth can one 20 minute sit down stir so many emotions and insecurities I don't think I ever know. But I sure as hell understand. Guru keeps saying we don't have to know what the issue is when strong emotions come up. But I'm painfully aware.
I had no idea I have been carrying around all this compressed and hidden gunk. Maybe that's why I'm still 60 lbs overweight despite 8 months of personal training, or easily angered/hurt depending on the situation.
All I want right now is to tell him I am sorry for treating him unfairly. He deserves more from me, but for now that's all I can do.
Tomorrow, I will sit for 30 minutes. I want this dead space out of here. If I'm going to be a total wreck, then let me be a wreck all at once.
(and please excuse the grammar. it's just a mad rush of typing. i'm not going to edit this because I'll censor myself)
